I have lately been reflecting upon what it means to be a good listener. In fact, I have begun to ask clients themselves about what it does for them when someone listens…really listens…to them. Here are some of the descriptions of what listening provides: “a soft place to fall…”, “I’m able to get my thoughts out”, “I’m not interrupted”, “plenty of space to be heard…and then comments come later”, “thoughts and feelings are fleshed out”, “new possibilities are offered”, “validated”, “I do not feel judged”, “I feel understood”, “I don’t have to put up any walls”, “safe place”, “I matter”, “zero prejudice”, “it’s ok that it’s all about me.”
My mom, Evelyn, raised five children, and then went back to school in her late 40’s, first for her college degree, and then for a master’s degree in counseling services. She never did pursue a formal career in counseling, but there is no doubt that over the course of the following 40+ years, she impacted thousands of lives as if she had. She left this earthly life almost 18 months ago, but I continue to hear of her deep impact on others. How did she do that? SHE TOOK THE TIME TO LISTEN…REALLY LISTEN.
One of her granddaughters elaborated on this, referring to my mom as her “hero.” Here is what she said:
My grandma…lived an extraordinary life, and it was not because of anything she accomplished [but] because she did something that very few of us do well. She listened.
…when you spoke to her, it was like she fully understood you. And you may not have even known her that well. She would listen to you, absorb your feelings and words and not judge you for what you said. She was so focused on loving you, the person, that she would not walk away from you because of something you had done. Instead, she drew closer to the weak, the broken, the angry, or the foolish, and she became their confidante. Yet at the same time, she kept you accountable for your actions. Because she loved you, she was direct and addressed each person with a firm love. After listening attentively, she was not afraid of speaking the truth because she spoke out of love…
I remember sitting alone in my room (after she died), trying to think about how I could describe the feeling. The only way I can put it into words is like this: when she left, I felt like part of myself had departed. Part of me was unfilled, empty. My grandma spent so much time listening and absorbing my life into hers in order to know me better that she ultimately became like me for my sake. When she died, it was like she took a little piece of me with her…
In essence, listening is an act of loving. Paradoxically, it creates a doorway to being heard. If love is lacking in your closest relationships, it may be that you have forgotten how to listen.
Take the Evelyn Challenge if you dare. Yes, it will involve the sacrifice of precious Time, because, as Scott Peck reminds us, the reality is that “you cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.” Yet that sacrifice of time and attention to another person contains the potential to change one’s whole outlook on life.
Here’s a final thought from this granddaughter…
In this world where we constantly speak and talk over one another, listening has even more power to affect change. Whether you are still in high school, finishing college, starting a new family, enjoying retirement, etc., listening applies to you. If we each could be more intentional about how we respond to the people with whom we come in contact, then maybe we could start filling this world with more Evelyns…
For me, that is a most lovely thought.